i was talking to Tim today about mothers' day with his fam last weekend. it all went well - i think the awkwardness between us and BIL/SIL is gone, replaced by a healthy acceptance of the situ. however, BIL kept trying to engage Tim in discussion - totally random discussion that came out of nowhere, and had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Ex. 1 - while discussing our recent business trips to Palm Springs and LA (me) and Kingston, Jamaica (Tim), BIL interjects with "have you been to a Toronto FC game? I got box seats and it was great!"

Ex. 2 - while watching some trippy TV shows with our nephew, BIL says "Do you have a Wii? I want to get one; do you know if it comes with sports games?"

both were random, out-of-nowhere interjections, which made me think:

a) he's still trying to prove that his job's not lame, or somehow compete with Tim (example 1)
b) he's still desperate for any contact with Tim, and will use any excuse to talk to him (example 2)

both thoughts made me really sad for BIL.

there's a woman in my in-laws group who uses images from Sandman for her emoticons. they hit me in the gut everytime - out of love, out of awe, out of sorrow. I wept for days when that graphic novel ended. I miss it all the time. Bless you, Dream, Death, Delirium, Despair, Desire, Destiny and Destruction. You've taught me so much - thanks.

the hunt for diagnosis continues - I have an appointment with a fertility specialist next Friday. there; I said it.

I want to know what's up - I hate this vague feeling of being broken. Tim still doesn't get it - I got a lecture about how nuts I am, and why I'm being a hypocrite from him the other day. Charming. He meant well, but doesn't get how attached I am to my body and why it's issues hit me personally. Note to self: work on depersonalizing the body, a la A New Earth.

Insensitive and generally clueless as my loving husband is, he makes a good point. what will i do once i have the diagnosis (if i get one at all). will I want to "fix it", and, thus, saddle myself with years of birth prevention drama? will I feel even more broken than I feel right now? will I suddenly feel some deep urge to procreate? what if i don't "fix it" - will I regret it 5 years from now, if some long-dormant clock starts to tick loudly?

Suddenly, I feel all this pressure to sort out the kid issue.

there's a school or thought (spiritual and psychological and religious) that says that in order to be happy, we must accept our lives and the world we live in. that nothings is good or bad, it's our thoughts which make them so. to embrace life, we must accept all of it, without qualification or label, and if we really don't like something, we must take a harsh look at what we are doing to contribute to it (or contaminate it) and change our own behaviour/thoughts/attitudes.

Oprah (or, momma O, as we call her) has been on this for awhile, with various rabbis, writers, therapists and other experts blathering on; I've always thought it was an interesting concept, but too hard for me to really practice. i'm happy to say that I'm finally at the point in my development where this makes sense and is doable. I've been starting small - work stuff, house stuff - and it's working. i'm feeling peaceful and, strangely, in control. i'm beginning to accept how things are, and, in doing so, am seeing how powerful I am - I can choose to leave or stay, and I can choose how I think about the situations I find myself in.

hmmm... more to follow...

no, i'm not finally coming to grips with my alcohol dependency. I'm literally drying out - greetings from sunny, hot, dry Palm Springs!

From my cousin Mel:

1. What do you consider to be your best attribute and your worst flaw?

my best attribute is my ability to see possibilities; to take amorphous concepts and build them into something real.

worst flaw - I'm not terribly forgiving, and I stick to my principles at the expense of compassion. I'm willing to sacrifice relationships once people let me down or don't live up to my standards.


2. Assuming you had never met T, who do you think you would be married to today (this can be anyone, movie star, someone from your past, Peter Mansbridge, etc).

I don't think I would be married; that was never part of my plan. T was a happy mistake! However, hypothetically... I'm a lot like my friend J's wife, S, so I wonder if he's my other soul mate.


3. Life changing moment.

3 stick out in my mind: Finding out that Joy (my BFF) was dead. Losing my identity and realizing who I really am. Visiting rural Cuba and enjoying the joy and hospitality and love of the citizens.


4. What is something you HATE to do but do anyway?

put up with my BIL. LOL! seriously, i don't do things i can't stand.


5. If you could move anywhere in the world to permanently live, where would you go?

Northern Italy - solitude, fashion, culture, food... perfection!

Tim gave me a beautiful engagement ring a few years ago (i guess it was about 5 years ago), and I value it and love it and think it's beautiful. However, it wasn't my first engagement ring; that was stolen by an old, ex-friend of ours.

I hadn't thought of my first ring in quite a while, but today I did. I'm reading "a new earth" and the author writes about a woman he counseled ages ago who was dying and lost her grandmother's ring. she freaked out. the author asked her a simple question: are you diminished by the loss of the ring? she thought about it and realized that who she was had nothing to do with that possession; a calm came over her. she also realized that "you can't take it with you" and started to give away many of her things. after her death, her family found the ring in her medicine closet.

This story got me thinking of my own lost ring, and how devastated I was when it was lost. there was a sentimental sadness - it was my engagement ring, after all - but there was something deeper. At the time, my husband's family was nearing the height of their nastiness, and were actively undermining our relationship. they did all that they could to plant seeds of doubt in us, and in members of the extended family. when T gave me that ring, it wasn't just a piece of metal and a stone, it was a tangible symbol of our relationship, of his commitment and, frankly, a bit of a "fuck you" to my in-laws. Losing it upset me greatly, but the biggest upset I felt was when my MIL - at my engagement party, no less - screamed (upon hearing the news of the stolen ring) "It's a sign!".

The ring was like an amulet for me, and losing it felt like a body blow, like i had no defence. as if they were right and the relationship wouldn't last, he didn't love me, and they'd have their family back the way they wanted it soon...

It's funny the random things that you recall...

My new ring is a work of art, but i don't use it to bolster my confidence in my relationship anymore. If i lost it, i'd be terribly upset, but i wouldn't see it as a diminishing my marriage. The strength - the amulet - in my life is between the two of us, and I find it shocking to know that at one time I allowed outside attacks to drive me outside our relationship for security.

this is all very... cluttered... i'll clean up this post later, but i wanted to get some thoughts out now... making emotional room, i guess.

should i stay or should i go?

i think it's time to break up with Jason, and end therapy. gasp! i tried to discuss this last night with him, but he started to ask me about Franny and Zooey, and i felt obliged to recruit a new fan.

I went back to therapy to deal with my anger at my parents, my hatred of my in-laws, and my resentment toward Tim. I can happily report that i've dealt with it all: i no longer hate my parents, i've accepted the limitations of my in-laws (though i still can't accept the emotional effect they have on Tim) and I think i've come to the realization that Tim is only mildly awful. The big stuff that Jason wants to deal with will have to wait - i'm not ready, and i don't have time for them right now. My breakdown last summer has me spooked about ever discussing either of those issues ever again.

so, what's left? sweet nothing. i told Jason that i was feeling some performance anxiety, worried that i would bore him. he told me that he finds me fascinating and started asking questions about my biblical attachment to Franny and Zooey. while i get why he'd be interested, and i think that it holds many clues to both my general alienation and sense of superiority, is this what i'm paying $100/hour for? i don't see the value...

i think i'm done with therapy. shockingly, i'm ok with it. i don't feel the panic I used to, a the mere thought. I've come a long way in the past 15 months (almost as long as Pierre has been alive! time passes so quickly...) and i'm proud of the stuff i've faced, the patterns i've named and fought, and the healing that has occurred. it's all good.

my friends J, A, S and M came from Montreal on Wednesday; S (J's wife) and M (J and A's mum) were speaking at a local consumer event and doing a bunch of supportive media. On Thursday, we did a cousins drink-fest (i rolled in close to 2am), and managed to convince our sickly friend, B, to join us. amazing times! The bar we went to has a basement room that was playing rock - all Festival artists at that! - and we danced and rocked the night away to AFI, The Killers, Rage Against the Machine, and all my old faves.

Friday morning was brutal - I got up early, and made it to a meeting at 7:45am. Looking like crap, I wandered over to the hotel where the family was staying, caught up with J and S, helped M pick out an outfit and went shopping with A. I must confess, I felt frumpy, as I was in classic hangover clothing, and they all looked to glam. A, M and I went over the consumer show a bit early and got a bunch of product samples, picked up our tickets for the night event, and got chiropractic assessments. My spine's a wreck!

In the evening, everyone got ready and I finally met baby X, S and J's 5 month-old son (what a cutie!). We walked to the Convention Centre and got ready for the appearance. After getting seated, J joined us, and all mayhem broke loose. It's amazing how people respond to him - pictures, camera phones, autograph requests. It's bizarre!

the talks were amazing - S is like Oprah and I was very impressed by her message and views. M was very candid about her struggles with mental health, though some of her words made me uncomfortable, having only heard them in the past from her children -- never before in front of 2,000 people as i sat beside her kids!

when it was over, we were mobbed. really and truly. It was actually quite scary, and i went into bouncer mode to try to get everyone out. we went to a reception afterward, which was great fun, and then for dinner. Tim joined us later.

a few things really struck me:

- I love that this family has overcome such public drama, intact and strong
- I love all of them, and am so glad to be friends with them, loved by them, embraced by them
- Why can't I have this type of closeness with my own family, or my in-laws?

I cried to my colleague B about this on Saturday, as we drank our way through the pre-Juno Awards events. He gave me such an amazing perspective: he reminded me to look at the positive. So i'm not tight w/ my extended family or my in-laws. I have so many other families (like the S-Ts, like my extended in-laws, like the R-Ts, like the Ms and the Ws) who love me, accept me, include me, and welcome me as a member. that's more than enough.

so, I offer a huge "thank you" to all my lovely, wonderful, amazing families. I am honoured to be part of your lives and to have you in mine. I love you more than you'll ever know.

boo! this sucks. i'm working like crazy, and so far behind! i feel like i'm sucking at everything. also, i'm trying to on-board a new person, but i think i'm sucking at that, too.

the good news is that A, J, S, E, M and X arrived in town today, and i'll be seeing them tomorrow and Friday. yippee!!!! also, i'm heading to Calgary on Saturday for the Juno Awards (Canada's music awards) and it'll be a blast. I've been overwhelmed with emails, Facebook msgs, txt msgs, etc. asking to meet up in Calgary. I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance! :-)

my perfect friend, Z, of whom I am in awe, flies in to Toronto tomorrow afternoon with baby P for the long weekend! we get to see each other all weekend. I'm thrilled! Must go buy some things for the little one... :-)

- all is well down there -- blood work normal, uterine lining thin but in normal range, etc.
- went to Montreal this weekend, and got to hang with Zoe and Pierre, and Ally and Denis; love them all! despite the blizzard, i had a wonderful time
- incredibly stressed
- have lost all the good habits I picked up in Jamaica; boo!

i'm kind of obsessed with the new HBO series In Therapy. However, one of the storylines is hitting a bit too close to home - the therapist's advice to one of his clients mirrors the advice of my own therapist. It's weird; I feel like I'm watching my own life from a different vantage point. Freaky.

had a wonderful time in Jamaica. sunny, hot, relaxing, perfect. i woke up at 6:30am every morning, went for a 5km run on the beach, hit the weights, had breakfast, and went to the beach. I parked myself there for most of each day, swimming, walking, kayaking; it was bliss.

We went to the cliffs every other day, and i found my dream house ($1M USD, which seems like a steal, especially when i consider how much money my house is worth these days!). We went cliff jumping, took a jeep safari into the hills, and spent time with my aunt. We also got leads on some contract work... may just have to move there!

I'm going to write a long post about our amazing trip. However, right now, I'm back and pissed. It's warm at least, but i'm still pissed. Things seem to have cocked up while I was gone - it sounds like the week was nightmarish for my team. I've walked into stress hell, my resentment is back with a vengeance, I'm seriously considering looking for a new job, and I don't understand how all of my calm and joy could have evaporated so thoroughly, so very quickly.

Sigh... maybe I can meditate on it, and get back to that happy place.

so... much as i complain about the amount of money we spend on cable TV, i LOVE having the movie network on demand, so i can watch HBO shows. I'm currently addicted to "In Treatment", which makes me wish I was that candid and raw and open with my own therapist. Or with anyone. :-)

one of the headhunters I emailed called me this evening. I'm meeting with him later this week. He asked me what i want to be when I grow up. :-) I responded that I don't know what it's called, but I know what I like to do:

- solve problems
- build new things
- develop partnerships and relationships
- manage budgets and P&Ls (why can't I quit you, managerial finance?! why?!)

I also like to work alone-ish; i've never been a team player. I like autonomy and control. Knowing all this... what do i want to be when I grow up?

random stuff

WORK
I'm feeling unsettled still, and not eager to get back to work. i go back tomorrow for 4 days, then off to Jamaica. yippee! I still can't sort out why i'm feeling so negative, though I think that between A's tantrum, J's betrayal, feeling stuck against A's stunted ambitions, and T leaving the company, it's not quite as... safe (?) or comfortable (?) as it used to be for me.

I spent today paying bills and sorting out tax receipts, and working on my resume. I sent it out to a few headhunters and a woman who's been trying to hire me for over a year. Perhaps a soft search will enable me to either find something else or really start appreciating what i've got.

ILs
My ILs dropped by on Saturday, which was a pleasant surprise. They don't call or keep in touch, so this was a big step, and a welcome one. Over all, it was a good visit, until my FIL had a bit too much to drink, and started to compare T with my BIL. My BIL is an account manager, and gets hockey tickets a lot to take his client out. My FIL considers that to be the height of success. When my MIL asked T what exactly he does for a living, and T explained it, FIL said "well, if that's the case, why don't YOU get hockey tickets?". I almost laughed out loud, especially when T said that our company doesn't value sports and doesn't see tickets as a reward or a status symbol; it goes against the brand. T went on to say "and, frankly, I earn about 3x what M makes.". My MIL jumped in and said "I'd take the money, too!" and laughed it off.

T was very upset and didn't know how to take his dad's comment. I hypothesized that in FIL's circle, there are lots of sales guys and operations managers, who work for companies where golf and sports games are the way to schmooze. We're just not in that world; in ours, status is established by pay cheques, clothing, cars, concerts and restaurants. T is trying to relate to someone from another world. T was not in the mood to be assuaged, though. He was fuming - "Look at my house! My car! My art! How could he say that?!".

I don't understand the hold T's parents still have on him, nor his need for their approval and admiration. Correction - I would understand it if their relationship was better, but it isn't. they have barely spoken in 6 years. Why do they still affect him this way???

NIECE and NEPHEW
Nath and Sarah came to visit today, and trashed my house. I love them with all my heart, and so enjoy spending time with them, but I wasn't sad to see them leave. My home isn't kid-proof, and, shallow as this sounds, I kept thinking "ack! apple juice on my $7,000 couch!". I know you can't put a price on a child's happiness, but maybe you can... :-)

VACA
I packed my clothes for Jamaica, and am totally pumped! i decided to pack early, so that I can unpack on Friday night (generally, i over-pack, so will take a bunch of items out of my suitcase before I actually leave). I think that I may have packed too many shorts and pants, and not nearly enough skirts....

WEIGHT
My parents say I've lost weight, and my clothes are feeling looser on me. I need to weigh in and measure myself, but I think the new diet and exercise routine is working. excellent!

in an attempt to minimize my anxiety about my health issues, I joined an infertility group on LJ. i've found it informative, though i've been a serious lurker. I just don't have a lot to say - the women in the group are lovely and brave, but I can't relate to wanting a child, and I don't think there are any others in the group who just want to deal with their health issues and not on trying to become pregnant.

so, i lurk and i learn about diagnosis and options and meds and all that stuff. It's been awesome, because i'm coming from a more informed place when i chat with my doctor, and i've had a chance to really contemplate how far i'll go to correct my issue. My doctor sent me for a sonogram, and has run a bunch of blood tests. from what i can tell, i have an issue of inadequate uterine lining. this is good news; at least i don't have some crazy disease or anything that requires serious intervention.

I can live with this, and live with it I will. She wants me to see a specialist, but i think that's a huge waste of taxpayers' money, since i don't want kids. correcting this would be an exercise in vanity, and a bit much, even for crazy old me.

I'm feeling tired and sick, and my post-event I-hate-my-job-and-my-life response kicked in much sooner than usual. I've been dusting off my resume and setting up coffee dates with contacts, and am focusing about everything I dislike at work.

On Wednesday, we launched a new service, did a tonne of media and threw a big bash. I spent the day with some of the cast members from TV show Gossip Girl - great people! i totally loved them - so was in a bit of a state when i finally got to the party venue. luckily, my agency is the best, and had everything locked and loaded. the party was a hit, and i got to hang with the band, who i know pretty well, but haven't seen in many months.

My outfit was a hit - at the last minute, i decided to forgo my new Arthur Mendonca dress and go with an H&M $40 dress (paired with Marc Jacobs heels). so many compliments! even Richard was giving me goo-goo eyes.

I'm way behind in school, having spent all my time focusing on the launch. happily, it's a long weekend so i'll get a chance to catch up.

and get out of this funk. :-)

Tim thinks therapy isn't enough; perhaps I need a support group for Type A personalities. This came out during the drive home from dinner (Lil Boci - awesome!), when I mentioned that there is an infertility support group in our neighbourhood. He offered to come along to a meeting, and I said it wasn't necessary. I then went on to explain that I feel am hesitant to show up in a group of people who - I assume - are there because they want kids, but can't have them. I, on the other hand, am tearing myself up because - though I don't want kids - I feel like a biological failure and can't handle not being perfect or capable or exemplary at something.

That comment set up Tim's punch line: "Maybe you should find a support group of other people who feel like they're failing at something they don't even want. Call it high-achievers anonymous, or Type A-Anon! LOL"

seriously - this is the support i get?! No wonder I'm in therapy. :-)